Marriage is a bond that provides two people a place to nurture and grow as a person by supporting each other in all the predicaments that they face and having each other’s back no matter how rough the situation gets. It provides a shelter where two people can cater to each other’s physical and psychological needs and make the other person feel protective and loved by licking each other’s wounds. If any of these factors go missing, the marriage could suffer. Marriage is a legal bond that brings equal responsibility on partners towards each other and divorce is the legal termination of this responsibility officially.
“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect” (Quran 30:21).
“O Humans revere your Guardian Lord, Who created you from a single person created of like nature its mate, and from this scattered (like seeds) countless men and women. Reverence Allah through Whom you claim your mutual rights” (Quran 4:1).
The above verses of the Quran lay out the framework for the basis and objectives of marriage in Islam. In the ultimate Wisdom of Allah we are first told that both partners, man and woman, are created from the same source and that this should be paid attention to as it is one of His Signs.
In today’s World We are Getting away from this Bind due to many reasons. These reasons are due to our own limited thoughts or because we have forgotten the Teachings of Islam . Here are Few reasons i think are reason of Divorces or separations.
- FORCED MARRIAGES
Marriage is a relationship based on mutual consent and understanding. It cannot be imposed on anyone otherwise it could affect adversely. The primary brick in marriage is acceptance without which it is merely a hollow weak bond which is more liable to break. More like a fling, which results in frustration and dissatisfaction leading to divorce.
- LOW PATIENCE
Marriage is not a piece of cake, it requires a lot of attention and efforts to make it work. Patience is the basic key to success in every part of life . Especially when it comes to marriage, you need to adapt and get accustomed to each other’s habits. Precisely for women, social isolation and readjustment to the new environment and role may prove difficult. Including financial constraints, unnecessary restrictions and overburdening of household chores and marital responsibilities may lead to situations that could ignite divorce.
- EARLY MARRIAGES
Early marriages are a major reason that leads to divorce as people tend to make more mature and stable decisions in their late 20’s as compared to those who just stepped into adulthood. Marriage requires consistent efforts and respecting each other’s values and opinions. You need to be a good listener and make the other person feel heard and important which is very unlikely to have in teens. Early marriages face difficulties handling marital challenges and hence approach the easy way out divorce to make their lives go back to normal.
- FANTASISING MEDIA
Social media is a growing factor in divorce, says Sonya Bruner, a psychologist practicing in California. In some cases, it’s the time-sucking element—constantly giving into notifications from friends eats into the time you could be doing something with your spouse.
Social media also gives a distorted view of marriage. With so many posts showing “perfect” couples, people can set unrealistic expectations for their own relationships. And perhaps the most dangerous: “Facebook makes it easier to connect with past flings,” Bruner says.
هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَهُنَّ ۗ
“They (your wives) are a clothing (covering) for you and you too are a clothing (covering) for them.” (Surah 2, Verse187)
In our day-to-day life, we see many uses for clothing. Not only does our dress act as a beautification for ourselves, but it also covers any defects that we may have on our physical body – thus, if a person has a scar or burn mark on his body, the clothing will cover this from others around him and thus, they would not know that he has such a physical ‘defect’.
Marriage is supposed to provide comfort, peace of mind and make your life easier and happier. Everyone needs a sense of love and security. However, if one of the partners is feeling deprived of all these elements it could be really distressing emotionally. Moreover, Marital rape has also become so common in our society nowadays and is expected to bear without oppressing and talking about it. Rape is when you impose yourself on someone sexually doesn’t matter whether that person is your spouse or a stranger. In fact, it’s even worse when you get this kind of act from your other half. It affects both emotionally and physically. Abusive relationships are unhealthy for any marriage and should never be compromised on. Therefore, when the situation gets disruptive and out of control results in divorce.
- Money
Couples argue over many things but money is by far one of the most frequent and serious. The solution is to discuss issues openly and consult within the family.
For instance, the issue of a wife working outside the home can become a contentious one. This should preferably be discussed before marriage. Also, if she does decide to work and the husband agrees, does she want to contribute a certain portion to household expenses or will she keep all of the money for herself (which is her right)?
One of the ways to avoid arguments about money is to simply make an easy budget which tracks expenses, income, investments, and establishes a framework for taking care of regular family necessities (see a sample budget for a family.)
Also, learn how to make a budget and deal with debt. If you are a young student, keep in mind you have to pay off student loans. You should also know where to get interest-free loans and what assistance is available (for more information about Islamic money issues, check out Sound Vision’s money page.
- Parenting
The tug of war that results from differing understandings of parenting are also a source of tension in marriage. One solution is to start learning about Islamic parenting before having children. If you already have kids, you can still learn. Check out Sound Vision’s parenting page. Or contact organizations like ISSA for resources.
- Stress
Stress is an almost constant factor in most people’s lives in North America. Muslim couples are no exception. Stress from work, for example, is carried into the home.
Couples and families need to work out a coping mechanism in the family. For instance, couples can take a walk to talk about the day or go to the Masjid for at least one prayer. They can read Quran individually or together. The methods can vary, but as long as they are Halal and work, they can be used.
- Domestic violence
This is an extremely sad reality and unless it is dealt with promptly by victims, perpetrators and/or those concerned about the two, then the family will break. Seeking help is necessary and if domestic violence is not stopped, the destructive effects will not only be harmful to the husband and wife, but to their children as well.
Family members, friends and Imams need to stop the abuse. They must intervene and work on getting help for the husband and the wife.
- Spiritual incompatibility
This is a growing problem in North America, where Muslims from all around the world live and different understandings of Islam are present. There is a disturbing lack of tolerance amongst young Muslims, especially, who may get sucked into cult-like groups which preach a “we’re right and everyone else is wrong” mentality, whether the issue is where you put your hands in prayer or whether you decide to wear Western clothes or traditional Eastern ones.
This intolerance is being transferred to marriages, where a couple may differ on minor points of faith. Married couples must understand the difference between an Islamically acceptable difference of opinion and one that is not. They must develop a tolerance, balance and respect for their differences on that basis.
- Sexual dysfunction
This is one of the least talked about problems, but it is one that is wreaking havoc in a number of marriages. Many couples who are marrying are not learning the Islamic perspective on sex and marriage. As a result, when they are not satisfied with their spouse, a number of them may turn to others or seek easy divorce, instead of a solution.
Couples have to understand that the marital relationship in this area, as in others, needs work and patience and cannot be the subject of whims and impatience. Knowledge, practice and if possible, the advice of a wise, compassionate scholar are two key elements in finding a solution to this problem.
- Interfaith marriages
Islam forbids marriage between Muslim women and non-Muslim men. There are a number of Muslim women who have taken this step and regretted it later. Such an action, in most Muslim families, results in the woman being isolated from her family with no support. As a result, when marital disputes do arise, parental support, which is there for many Muslim couples, is not there for these women. These Muslim women may also experience guilt for disobeying Allah and hurting their parents.
In other cases, Muslim women ask non-Muslim men they want to marry to convert shortly before the marriage to appease their parents. Again this can lead to marital disputes. Two things usually happen. Either the man becomes a truly practicing Muslim and the couple is no longer compatible; or he’s bombarded with Muslims from the community wanting to invite him to Islam and he gets upset and may hate Islam.
In the case of Muslim men marrying Jewish and Christian women, the situation is different. While Islam does allow this, Muslim men marrying Jews and Christians need to remember that living in the West, if they end up divorcing, the children will almost automatically be given to the mother. Also, remember that the mother is the child’s most important school. If you want your kids to grow up as practicing Muslims, you are better off marrying a practicing Muslim woman, especially in the West, where the unIslamic cultural influences outside the home are strong enough. Inside the home, it will become even harder to maintain Islamic influences if a mother is not a practicing Muslim herself.
- Intercultural marriages
While Islam does not forbid intercultural marriages, they can become a source of tension when Muslims, primarily the couple, but also their families, make their culture more important than Islam. If parental support is there for an intercultural marriage, things are smoother for the couple. If there is not, and if there is even hostile opposition on the part of one or both sets of parents, it could be better to not marry the person in the long run.
- Lack of domestic skills
While girls are being encouraged to become scientists, engineers and doctors, for instance, there is little to no emphasis being placed on gaining domestic skills. It should be remembered that in Islam, while women are not forbidden from working within Islamic guidelines, and men are encouraged to help with housework, women’s primary duty is within the home as a home manager and mother. As a result of the lack of domestic skills, many married couples find themselves in messy homes, where meals lack proper nutrition and in general, there is frustration.
If a married couple is working, husbands need to pitch in more in the home and remember that their wife is a not a machine, but a human being who also needs rest after a hard day of work.
- The modern Muslim woman meets the old-fashioned Muslim man
While young Muslim women of the West are being encouraged to be strong and confident, boys are being raised in the same way and with the same cultural expectations as their fathers. As a result, young couples face a tug of war, when the old-fashioned, young Muslim boy won’t lift a finger around the house (since he never saw his dad do this) and his young Muslim wife expects him to pitch in, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) did with his wives.
As well, a number of young Muslim men expect their wives not to argue with them since they never saw their mother cross their father. This is once again cultural. But what is clear is that boys and girls are being raised very differently. Parents have to be more careful to give proper training to both children. As well, parents need to intervene in cases of dispute of this nature and be fair, not favor their own child.